With Celebrity Big Brother just around the corner, Channel 5 have been keeping the line up a closely guarded secret. So basically, they’ve been dropping hints left, right and centre in a bid to stir up interest in a failing show. We see you. What delights are in store this time? Let’s take a look my friends.
The one your dad remembers
God knows who this guy is, ask your dad they’ll know. Big in the 7os, probably has some archaic views that will come to light in an argument 3 episodes in. Will refuse to do any cleaning or cooking because everyone has to respect their elders snore snore snore. Likely to kick off if anyone is having fun past 9pm, this contestant won’t last long (we hope).
The my parent was famous
Ah yes. The z list offspring. Their dad/mum was a big name and now they’re carrying on their parents legacy by getting hammered every weekend, falling out of clubs and gracing the pages of some gossip mag. Beautiful. This contestant doesn’t like to talk about their famous parent…..but they’ll bring it up in every. Single. Conversation. Holy shit just vote them out save us all.
The reality TV star
Usually in their early 20s and either from Essex or Newcastle. Typically the contestant that will clash with the one your dad remembers. Most likely to drink everything alcoholic within 20 minutes given half a chance, and then hook up with someone in the house for a doomed from the start 3 month relationship on the outside. They might team up with the my parent was famous and become a teeth whitening, hair extension plugging Instagram sensation. Dream.
The house mum/dad they
Really really boring. Who was this last year? Can you even remember their name? No me either. Gentle, unassuming, does most of the cooking, will be a shoulder to cry on. The wise one. The peace keeper. The only thing that will rattle their cage is if someone drinks milk from the carton. Almost untouchable in the sense that no one will want to upset this contestant. This is CBB. We’re here for drama. Go home.
The ex soap star
They left EastEnders because they were going to be a big film star. The glittering lights of Hollywood beckoned them. Five years later and they’re credited as fourth victim in a Syfy film. Seemingly harmless at first, this contestants constant name dropping will start to do everyone’s head in. “Yea man I was at a red carpet event for Febreze and I swear to god Katie Price waved at me, and then this one time I stepped on Benedict Cumberbatch’s shoe and….”
The random American
Not even a famous American that we might have a hope of recognising, most of the time their own country probably doesn’t even know who they are. Typically very loud and obnoxious, their only selling point is the constant reminder that they LOVE the UK. Wearing a union jack dress, earrings, shoes, tights and eyebrows they’re larger than life and ready to go. Hopefully out the door ASAP.
….and by model I mean they have 350k Instagram followers and lots of photos their mates have taken of them against a brick wall, modelling the latest Boohoo line. Already well versed in plugging self tan lines on social media, they have an air of accomplishment about them. This contestant genuinely thinks they are the bees knees and that all the lads/girls want them. With an ego even Godzilla couldn’t take down, this gem is a CBB favourite because they will rub people up the wrong way (and because they can’t get any actual celebs to take part).
Multiply some of the above by 2 or 3 (the model definitely) and you don’t even need to watch the show anymore, you can just watch last years, or the year before, or the year before – you get the picture. Throw in some secret hideaways, fake evictions and games that rip off other TV shows and we’ve hit the déjà vu jackpot.