Mirror mirror on the wall…

…..who’s the 13th of them all? That’s right, Peter Capaldi is off and we’re getting a new Doctor in town. Speculation is rife and it pains me to say this, but it isn’t me. I know, I know, huge mistake. Whatever it’s fine as long as the 13th Doctor is one of the following.

Theresa May

Queen of self sabotage Theresa is clinging onto power, but (we hope) it can’t last much longer. Picture this – filming for the first episode started three hours ago. Theresa is nowhere to be seen. Four days later Theresa rolls up flanked by more security than Heathrow has, stepping off a private plane, with that face that says, “I know I’ve screwed up but you will never get an apology from me.” Every episode will feature Theresa saying one thing for the first half, and then completely backtracking. A mere seven episodes in and Theresa Who will be consumed by her burning desire for power. Everyone will be fired, the entire BBC will be fired, it’s now the BBT.

Love Island winner

This year the grand prize isn’t love, it isn’t money, it’s being the 13th Doctor. The Tardis is now an infinity pool and everything is filmed in a luxury villa. Space is old news. Doctor Island will spend their days sipping from a personalised water bottle, lounging about in garish swimwear and occasionally visiting the Tardis if they can be arsed, and if they aren’t too busy grafting the latest my type on paper. For no actual reason, Caroline Flack will drop in from time to time, say three lines of no value, and then disappear for the next six episodes. Still, you didn’t like Peter Capaldi as the Doctor anyway did you? What’s the worst that could happen.

Some random Wimbledon spectator

Everyone seems to think Roger Federer will be crowned the 13th Doctor, but word on the street is that the Feds has been pipped to the post by an anonymous member of the crowd. If you’re watching the men’s final today, keep your eyes peeled for anyone suspicious in the crowd. Is that woman mouthing exterminate when the camera is on her? Is that Geoff from down the road and is he dressed like a weeping angel? Trust no one. At the close of Wimbledon, Feds will ask if the real 13th Doctor would please stand up and all will be revealed. You have my word.






*Please never take anything I write seriously. Literally ever.


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