Mary Poppins is set to make her long awaited return to the big screen next year, and everyone assumes it’ll be another heartwarming family affair. We have it on good authority however that it’s going to be the exact opposite – a horror film, the biggest of 2018.
Our source told us, “I mean we considered a low fat version, a spoonful of kale instead of sugar, but it just didn’t gel. Lenny the coffee guy suggested making Mary Poppins a witch, and well I’ve never liked kids anyway. We’re looking at a Halloween release because fuck Christmas.”
When pressed on what Mary Poppins will look like, we were told, “Oh man she’ll look horrendous. She appears when you say Mary Poppins three times in the mirror, and then rips your throat out. We are keeping the umbrella as we wanted to stay true to the original Mary’s roots, but she now uses it to gouge eyes out. We’ve already had two members of the production team quit because they think the set is cursed. I caught Lenny chewing glass yesterday, but he has always been a bit weird to be fair.”
Will there be any sequels to Mary Poppins Returns? “Oh for sure. We might go down a classic horror route where you think she’s dead at the end of every film, but then we’ll announce a sequel six months later. For ten years. We’ve been asked where Mary is returning from, and we can now confirm that it’s the depths of hell.”
Mary Poppins Returns will be released October 31st 2018. Pre-order the DVD now on Amazon and receive a free mirror, so you can summon Mary Poppins yourself.
*Source – my brain. None of this is true (or is it?) and Mary Poppins Returns is out December 2018.